is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
