I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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