I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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