I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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