So drunk its hurt
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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