Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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