i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
