If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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