New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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