If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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