I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
