is wine microwaveable?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Sorry about my life...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
