my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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