I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
