im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
