Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
