I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
