He asked to "fluff my boner.."
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
