omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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