The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
