Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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