I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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