You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize