be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
