watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
