sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
