I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
