I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
