I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
