I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
His nipple licking is glorious
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