I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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