I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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