My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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