i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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