I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
