So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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