Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
