how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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