my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
