Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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