in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
