"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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