if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
