Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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