She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
