I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
