You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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