good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
