So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
