do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
