You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
