I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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