Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
